Mixed Feelings

So I haven't written in a while. I've had dozens of potential things to write about. I'm sure they'd be interesting. I could've written about the beggar I saw with a live monkey that starred at me. I could've written about our small (5) Chinese 2 class having dinner over at our teacher's house, then taking her out the night after and the great times we had. I could've written about some friends from church taking me to an island here for the day. I could've written about my last Sunday and church and how sad I am to leave. I could've written about my Chinese 2 exam…

But each time, I just didn't want to organize my thoughts. Perhaps I'm in denial.

I'm sad to go. It hit me on Sunday when I was chilling out front on a beautiful Xiamen day talking with some friends at church. I looked around and realized I was leaving. I wouldn't be here anymore.

And I was sad.

It seems our group as loosened up in these last days. We seem more carefree, more energetic from a very exhausting semester. We've had some good times, and I'll be honestly sad to see some of them go. I'm going to miss some of the profs I've had, the friends I've made.

The experiences I've had.

I'll have plenty of time for introspection as I travel for two days or so to get home. But this is it for me. These last five months have been the first taste of my dreams, my goals: China. I've been here, I've seen it, tasted it, smelled it, heard it, LEARNED it. This is the beginning…

And I don't want it to end.

Sure I want to go home and see my family. I am so excited to see my dad in SeaTac and spend my layover with him. I'm stoked to see my mom in Ketchikan. My sister wouldn't even make a bet with me whether or not my mom would cry! She just said she would. I'm excited for these things, to see friends, family, and the like.

But I feel alive here. Like I'm doing something, like I'm living life. Life is a constant adventure, an adventure that I am interested and eager to get on. Now, I understand that my time, for now, is over. I understand that I will return someday. But understanding and feeling are often different.

So as I finish packing, as I attend my 5,654th banquet in China, my last one, I leave with mixed feelings. I am excited to return home, to relax, to see those I miss. But I'm sad to leave, leave the adventure, and leave those that I will miss. I've made friends, people I would love to spend more time with. People who make me laugh. People who I've learned from.

I could write a book on what I've learned, and not just about China, but about myself.

I know I've changed, but I don't know how. A quote in a book we had to read said that, "Living overseas spoils you for regular life."

And I know it has.